I have always been struggling with forgiveness. It is easy to say, "Yeah sure, I forgive you" in the quiet way that I do, and keep a little secret speck of hurt and loathing inside of me. This quote is great, emphasizing the need to forgive in order to progress:
As we consider the unity required for Zion to flourish, we should ask ourselves if we have overcome jarrings, contentions, envyings, and strifes (see D&C 101:6). Are we individually and as a people free from strife and contention and united “according to the union required by the law of the celestial kingdom”? (D&C 105:4). Forgiveness of one another is essential to this unity. Jesus said, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).
We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us. We can unite with President Thomas S. Monson in love and concern for one another. In general conference last April, President Monson spoke to those estranged from the Church and to all of us when he said: “In the private sanctuary of one’s own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential. In this spirit, we again issue that heartfelt invitation: Come back. We reach out to you in the pure love of Christ and express our desire to assist you and to welcome you into full fellowship. To those who are wounded in spirit or who are struggling and fearful, we say, Let us lift you and cheer you and calm your fears” (“Looking Back and Moving Forward,” Liahona and Ensign, May 2008, 90).
D. Todd Christofferson, “Come to Zion”
I struggle with knowing that the people closest to my heart are the ones who can most easily hurt it. It makes letting people in, and forgiving them, scary.
Ben recently asked me why I get nervous when people read my writing, and why I get even more nervous when they like it. Writing, to me at least, is like standing on a big stage with your soul naked, and it's so scary to have people stop, stare, and contemplate at you while they walk by. It's not necessarily undesirable, just uncomfortable and nerve-wrecking. Particularly when those close to you read it- those who know you best can poke at your heart more easily than an unknown face.
I've noticed too that I'm such a "white" personality (ever read the Color Code book? lol I'm a nerd- white is the color of the peacemaker) that I sometimes get too caught up in the fact that there's tension and unease that I fail to notice that I am contributing to it.
There's been a recent drama surrounding my life, and while trying to be loving and forgiving, I often had the wrong attitude. I sought out anger at those who weren't in the same mind frame as I, which is wrong and only added to the drama and tension. And for those who know what I am referring to, I am sorry for those gossiping words and actions. I want to forgive and be forgiven.
Just a few thoughts.
On another note, I just got this:
Like the junky image I found?
Anyways, I was awarded honarable mention for the Scribbit's Write Away contest (see prior post). Which, of course, made me nervous. (Hah you all didn't know I was such a quiet anxious little wreck, did you?)
I did a quick entry for the contest, spending less than 30 mins on it and then deciding not to publish it. Then Ben made me, because he's a good husband and wants me to achieve the dream of becoming a writer one day.
So with not a very developed piece, if I would have won, I would have thought that it was too easy and that would give me an excuse to continue not writing. If I would have lost, I would have confirmed the doubt in my mind that I stink at writing and that would also give me an excuse to continue not writing. But an honorable mention awakens that little voice inside of me that says "if you actually tried, you could one day achieve your dream." I don't like that little voice, it's scary. I say back, "Liar! Meanny pants! When do I have time? I have two kids, a house to pack, jobs to apply Ben for, and crafts to make. Stop torturing me!"
But really, I do want to write. Anyway, you should check out the winners of the contest at http://scribbit.blogspot.com/2008/11/novembers-fantastic-write-away-contest_21.html. They did a way good job! Also check out my sister-in-law's blog and her post for the contest at http://icecreamdiary.blogspot.com/2008/11/forgive-in-time-for-turkey.html. She's my inspiration to start writing again, since she's always entering these contests and she has more than twice as many kids as I do. So thanks!
6 comments:
Jenilynn, you're amazing (sorry if I can't spell your name right...). See, there you go, baring that beautiful white soul (I'm a yellow/blue, btw) for the world to see. :0) Congrats on the honorable mention - we share a dream! I hope to be published as well someday. I have a file full of stories and another file filling with rejection letters. I wonder why I never read your writings when we had class together?? At any rate, keep it up - someday we'll get that golden letter and it will make all this worth it. :0)
Congrats! I remember the amazing thrill from winning this contest. I won a wooden pooping moose but I didn't care about the prize, I was just so excited that someone besides me liked my writing.
You should definitely keep writing and putting it out there for others to see.
P.S. Now I wan't to be all nosey and find out what's had you so riled up. You always seem so laid back that I have a hard time seeing you holding a grudge.
I side with the ice cream lady. Your sister in law is right - what got you so riled up? I am a Blue White/yellow. Pretty original I guess. Any who - hope the situation all gets better now.
Oh I forgot to mention. THat I used to love writing. It was my outlet. I could let my imagination run wild with tons of different words and idea - most of them incoherent - but still. I let some discouragement get to me and now I a irratical writer. I may rock illiteration but I still stink on context. So - there. You got some reall talent and should stick with it. The end - I am now off of my soap box.
I have no clue what you are talking about and that's fine. I never look too deeply into anyone's writing. As an avid reader of all kinds of literature I try to seperate any assumed resemblence between author and speaker of the story. Keep going because I am becoming very fond of your prose. I actually check everyday to see if you posed anything else to write.
Don't be too hard on yourself--in all the years I've known you, I have never heard you gossip once! I really look up to you and try to follow your example! This blog post shows that you are still above such nonsense, and I really admire that.
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